13.1s and 5s

A post about running.

If you remember, I was supposed to run the Bentonville Half Marathon a mere 12 hours after we landed back from our vacation in Paris.  I trained pretty hard for this race. I did hill repeats on the terrible, horrible hill that was to be around mile 12 of this race. I went to lots of speed sessions. I ran as much as my time and guilt allowed me to. And then I ended up not being able to run the half because, well, life happens. I still miss my grandma......
But this is a good post! About persevering! And busting through the cloud of depression that seemed to so easily descend on my pretty-much-perfect life. Here's how it went:

We got back from Paris and I was an emotional mess. We went to Chicago for the funeral and I was even more of an emotional mess- by this time "anger" had entered by emotional whirlwind- not fun. We got home and the mess continued. I was pissed off, super sad, bordering on depressed, and lots of other weird emotions. I did not want to run. Or work. Or talk to people. At all. Ever. I wanted to sit mindlessly and alternate my drinking between wine and coffee and smoke cigarettes and not be around anyone. I was clearly not in a good place....

Then I start thinking about how far I've come in my running and how far I still have to go. And how much it would suck to start from square one again. But at the same time it seemed to easy and so desirable to just throw in the towel and walk away. But Instead of throwing in the towel, we threw the kids in the car on a Saturday afternoon and drove down to Fayetteville to sign me up for the Hogeye Half Marathon on Sunday morning :) So on April 14th I put my half marathon training to use and killed it in the half! Here are the 3 things I will always remember from that half:
1. I spent the first 5 miles trying not to cry. Crying and running are a strange combination.
2. I may or may not have attempted to chug a PBR at mile 10.
3. I passed lots of dudes in the last 3 miles. I'm attributing this to running on PBR power.



Other notes:
*I ran a 5k up in Illinois last weekend. My goal was 23:30. I wasn't even close. I ran a 24:17.
*I ran 10 miles last Monday and got sunburned. Then it snowed on Friday. Weird.
*Next Race: Speedy Skunk May 18th (I think). Now to decide on 5k or 10k???

Ode to Ma Grandmere

This entry will be very much not about running. Its more about feelings. To quote a very funny person from years ago, "Feelings. What are those? Sounds dangerous. If I see one, I'll squash it." If you share this sentiment, quit reading now and wait for the next post which will actually be about running.

This will be a very long post about my Grandma. Because I want to remember her. And I miss her.

My Grandma died. Super expectantly. The day we got to Paris. I am sad. Very sad. Like the empty inside kind of sad. And it sucks. She was not supposed to die. She was supposed to live to 100 with a gin and tonic in her hand. Or a coffee. And my Grandpa was supposed to be the one handing it to her like he did every morning in bed and every night on the porch. But that's not going to happen now and I'm sad about it. Crazy sad. And a little mad.  I'm pretty much working my way through all the stages of grief that some quacked-out doctor made up years and years ago. 

I was supposed to be able to tell her about my trip to Paris.  She was Really Excited for me to go and Really Excited to hear about it. She told me so when I talked to her the week before I left. But now I don't get to tell her about it. I think that makes this whole deal a lot harder. It's great that I got to talk to her one last time (I don't talk to her very often on the phone) but it's not great that the conversation was never finished. I'm still supposed to tell her about Paris. Now I can't. And I'm not the kind of person who wants to be told, "you can still tell her. She'll hear you." No, she won't. It's not the same and it doesn't help. Not right now.

I miss her so much.

Grandma had two spoons for her coffee. One was supposed to be for stirring and one was for scooping instant coffee. One spoon was supposed to be face up and the other was face down. I can never remember which was which. I love that my grandma drank coffee. Most of my favorite people in the world are coffee drinkers. This talk of coffee leads me to two very important questions:
1. Who will yell at my husband from the other room now when he, for a split second, dares to lay his coffee mug down on the table sans coaster??
2. Who will drink the massive amount of coffee that is still left in the basement?? We're talking quantities that would put Sam's Club and Costco to shame. It's a lot of coffee.

Grandma loved to show me her quilts that she made. Well, that's what I tell myself at least. Maybe she just loved to have a second set of hands to hold them up while she took pictures. Either way, I enjoyed being shown. The pool table in her basement was actually, at one point in time, a pool table. Then she got into quilting. And what better way to lay out your next quilt-ified masterpiece than on a felt-covered pool table?? So the pool table has not actually been a pool table for many, many years. Except for this past weekend... I caught a glimpse of that cleared off pool table and had to turn my head. It has many great memories for me as a pool table, but I  prefer to remember it as Grandma's work station.

Sometimes I wonder how many people got to see all the sides of Grandma. Grandma, to me, was always just.... Grandma. Always determined and decisive. Always happy. Always glad to talk to someone. Always glad to put me, my husband, and our two little girlies up for a week or two. Always glad when someone came to visit. And the best part- she let you know it too. She made me feel like I did her a favor every time we came to visit :) How awesome of a feeling is that?? How awesome is the person who can make you feel like that?? Damn Awesome.
But there was more to Grandma than just being Damn Awesome. I'm sure my Grandpa knows it. Maybe her kids know it too. I spent two days thinking about whether or not to include this "beyond being Damn Awesome" part of my memoir. It's a little sad and super personal. But I decided the quacked-out doctor from years and years ago would probably say it was a "good idea" and "therapeutic". The two glasses of wine I've had tonight concur. So here it goes:

Grandma apologized to me once. Years and years ago. She didn't say she was sorry, she apologized. There's a difference.
She found out I was upset with her. This was true- I was very upset with her. I was mad at her and sad at her and felt like she was being mean to me on purpose and for no reason. That's the truth. Then I had a breakdown in front of a little birdie. The little birdie told Grandma. Now, let me tell you what Grandma didn't do:
1. She didn't say "pish posh silly Eileen is just being sensitive"
2. She didn't say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and move on
3. She didn't pull some other half-ass one-line "sorry" on me
4. She didn't ignore the situation
5. She didn't get mad or sad or upset with me in return
She called me. Right away. And apologized. I remember it being the most heartfelt, genuine, and eloquent apology ever spoken. She was genuinely concerned that she had made me feel that way. She was sorry her actions had caused me pain. Whether or not my reaction to her actions was "legit" or not was never an issue for her. All that mattered to her was that I was hurting. She let me know beyond a doubt that making me feel that way was never her intention - not just by saying those words, but by saying it in a way that made me believe, beyond a doubt, that she really and truly meant it. And she did. 
How many people can say they have put aside every ounce of pride, let down every wall of defensiveness, and removed all aspects of stubbornness to genuinely apologize to someone? I am almost 30 years old and can't say that I've been on either side of that question... except for this one time. Damn Awesome. That's what my Grandma is. Damn Awesome.

 

July 2013

Cross Your Fingers!

I find out tomorrow whether or not I received one of the 15,000 lottery spots for Chicago! Fingers crossed!! I have a couple Plan Bs that I'm tossing around, just in case. I kinda figure go big or don't go, so my top 3 plan Bs are: Athens, Greece; Hawaii; or Philadelphia.

There a few awesome updates I'd like to post about.  I'll keep it short.

1. I broke 24 minutes in the 5K!! I'm like a semi-legit runner now.  Although, I'm not convinced it wasn't a fluke so I'd like to try and do it again just to make sure ;)

2. I ran an 8k and it was cold and windy.  My face was windburned for 2 days afterwards.  Let me tell you, windburn is a pretty attractive look.  Especially on the face. You should try it sometime. I did get 2nd in my age group which was neat.  Except I didn't get a medal because they messed up my chip time.  But it's all good. 

3. The next race on the calendar is the Bentonville Half Marathon on April 6th.  This one will be interesting.  It starts less than 12 hours after my flight lands from a week long vaca in Paris. Luxury problems are fun :)

4. I was supposed to run 11 miles yesterday.  A mile and a half into my run I came upon 2 spots on the path where it was totally flooded. Not the kind of flooded you could jump over either.  So what did I do? Did I turn around and find another way around the flooded part of the path? Nope, I sure didn't.  I ran straight through the flooded path like an asshole. Twice. And soaked my shoes. I'm an idiot.  You know that time when you put your car keys on your seat and stare at them sitting there as you proceed to lock and close your car door? And only after you close the locked door you think, "damn. my keys are on the seat"? It was kinda like one of those moments. 
So I called my husband to pack up both kids and come meet me with my old runing shoes and new socks (how selfish am I??)  But then I decided I was too wet and cold and didn't want to run anymore so I just had him come pick me up.
To make up for my moments of brillance yesterday and decided I would run 12 miles today. I ran 13.1 instead :)

    

Chicago Marathon Drama!

Have you heard the latest about the Chicago Marathon????  You can't sign up for it!  I'm having a little bit of anxiety over this.  And it's increasing everyday.  What if I don't get in??? That was a scenario that NEVER even crossed my mind! Go back to the very first blog entry. Is "not getting in" listed anywhere there???? Nope. It Isn't.  What happens if I don't get in? What then? The whole is not to run A marathon, the whole point is to run the CHICAGO marathon. I had the registration date marked on my calendar and everything. I went to the website and tried to register at 1:15 (reg opened at noon) and it wouldn't let me. This is sad.

They said they will tell us what their solution is by Thursday at 3:00.  Until then, I will just sit anxiously and hope I don't have to think of a Plan B. 

Family Runs

Family runs are my favorite, especially on super nice 60ish degree days in January. 

It takes about a mile for the babies to get settled into the whole sitting in a stroller thing.  Blankets fall off, baby dolls get run over by the stroller, sippy cups go flying; but after a mile everything seems to settle in place and we can run accident free for a while.  We did a nice little jog from our house to downtown Bentonville and back. Five glorious miles that I loved every second of. Once again, I can't stress enough how awesome it is to live next to a path that goes super far. Soooooo nice.

I need to get my running butt back in gear.  I've been slacking for the past 6 weeks.  There are a couple races coming up we're going to do and I'm pretty excited about that.  There's a Valentines run on the 9th and I will be doing the 8K.  I've never run an 8K and don't actually know how far it is in miles......... but I guess I'll find out on the 9th.  Or just google it.  That's what they should teach in math classes- easy ways to remember how to convert Ks to miles.  Silly america making things all confusing by being different. 

The next race is the Bentonville half marathon.  I'm being told it may be a bad idea to run it since I'll be overseas the week before and won't get back home until Friday evening and the race is Saturday morning. Well Naysayers, let me tell YOU what I think. I think that I'm going to adapt a new motto starting right now: "If Dean Karnazes can...".  It's more like a half-motto.  And the "..." is a very essential part of the quote. I can't exactly say "If Dean Karnazes can, I can" because that would be a lie.  He runs 100 miles on a seemingly regular basis.  That is crazy.  I can't run 100 miles.  BUT maybe I can say, "If Dean Karnazes can run 199 miles at one time to raise money for sick children, then I can wake up in the morning after a week in Paris and run 13."  Positive thoughts and perspective. Yep.

All that being said, tomorrow I will be back on the running wagon. It's supposed to be sunny and 50-something.   Perfect weather.  I will just need to make sure I don't get too caught up in renovating the bathroom and run out of time to run. 

3 Steps Back and Glorious Memories.

I'm not sure if I've taken 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, or 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, or if I've just started walking backwards.  Either way, I was just humbled by a 2.6 mile run.

There are many factors (excuses? sometimes I'm not sure where to draw the line) that probably contributed to this backwards run.  Allow me to list:
1. I'm still trying to kick the cough from the upper respiratory extravaganza I was blessed (not!) with over Christmas.
2. I've only run once in what feels like a month, but is probably more like 3 weeks (it was an amazing run that I will chronicle once I'm done bitching about getting bitch slapped by 2.6 miles)
3. I'm stressed.  Normally, I would be able to run or go the gym after a stressful stretch of life and workout all my issues.  As it is right now, that is not an option. 
4. I am an ex-smoker, turned non-smoker, turned occasional-social-smoker and I fell off the bandwagon over Christmas. I'm actually not sure how much this had to do with the 2.6 miles-of-crap-run, but I thought it was worth a mention.

Ok that's all.  Now let me list the positives of this run (yes- there were some!)
1. It was almost 70 degrees outside and it was January 11.  This would be why I live in the south.
2. I just bought a much needed new pair of running shoes and wore them out of the store to go for my run
3. I was sporting my new Christmas present- GPS watch! And was beyond thrilled to use it! And my newly purchased shoes just happen to match the GPS watch perfectly.  No, I did not do that on purpose.  Everyone just seems to be putting out lime green and white colored runningly-things.

The next chance I'll have to go for a run will be Friday.  Let's hope the weather cooperates so I don't end up confined to the treadmill.

Here's the short story of the Super Awesome Chicago Run over Christmas:

 

It was Christmas Eve in Chicago and the weather was amazing.  My husband and I did a 45ish minute run around our old neighborhood. The houses are tons of fun to look at and it brought back sweet memories.  I felt great the whole time- like I could run forever- and we were going at a decent pace too.  It was glorious.  Some of my favorite memories are of running with my husband.  This particular day will be remembered and cherished, just like our run together around Central Park. And the one time years ago we ran together for over an hour in the rain. 

Update!

So there hasn't been tons to report on lately.  Just the usual running routine. 

I did another 10k. I believe that makes 3 total 10ks; all ran in different settings: trail, cross country, and road.  The latest 10k was the Girls on The Run back in November.  I ran a 53:17, which is a 8:36 mile.  Not going to lie, that is way faster than I thought I'd run.  I got second in my age group! Actually, it's not that exciting.  I've come to realize that the 25-29 age group tends to be the "slowest".  You know what age group is super fast? The old people.  Like 50+ age groupers.  I'm telling you, those baby boomers don't mess around when it comes to running.  They are FAST. Yikes.

I'm continuing to do speed session workouts.  I skipped once from not feeling well, but other than that I've been a champ at attending.  And that's saying a lot because it is cold outside and I despise the cold.  Nothing is more unmotivating than the prospect of a cold, dark run and time away from the family.  It's so easy this time of year to just throw in the towel and say, "F it. I'm staying in my nice warm house and cuddling with my babies." But I always feel great after the workout and have tons of energy when I get back home. I'm trying to focus on that positive side of it.

I've started trying to go to the gym Wednesday nights after the babies go to sleep. I've always been a nighttime gym person and would much rather go at 8pm than 5am.  It's been nice.  I get to lift; which I think is great! I forget sometimes how much I love lifting.  I don't,however, forget how much I love flexing in the mirror when I brush my teeth after a lifting session at the gym. Try it sometime. You'll probably feel like a Jersey Shore wannabe, but it's ok because you'll probably be alone in the bathroom anyway. Seriously, try it.

The next big race on my radar is the Bentonville half marathon April 6.  I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to run this one or not becaaaaaauuuuuse........ wait for it....... I might be in Paris!!!  I can sacrifice the Bville half for Paris.  Plus I'm kinda thinking maybe I'll just make up my own half marathon in Paris while I'm there.  I might even make jerseys and race numbers for Husband and I to wear. So exciting!

I don't know if I talked about wanting to run a 50k next year or not.  Well, I do.  I think.  Maybe not.  31 miles of trail is a lot of trail running.  And it is before the Chicago marathon, which is risky to do if I want to be in tip top shape for Chi. I keep going back and forth in my head.  It kind of reminds me of when I was preggo with Baby2 and for about 3 months I thought I wanted to give birth without an epidural. And then I changed my mind.  This 50k thing is kinda like that.  For about 3 months I've been totally convinced that I could and would do the 50k.  Now I'm changing my mind.  Maybe I should aim for the 25k instead. I'll have to keep you posted on that.